*The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
*The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’ The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’ The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
*A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger
*A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”
*A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter. A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
*Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
*Teacher: “Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?” Nick: “What do you think it is, Sir?” Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!” Nick: “I don’t think I know either, Sir!”
*A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
*A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?” “Wrong number,” replied the girl.
*A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!
*Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!
*Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
*Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.
*The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.” The man replys, “By the week or by the month?” The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..”
*The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk …. The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run …
*Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.
*Said to a railroad engineer: What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule? *Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.
*Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don’t know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
*A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud.
*Man said to God — Why did you make women so beautiful? God said to man — So that you will love them. Man said to God — But why did you make them so dumb? God said to man — So that they will love you.